Building Boundaries
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Technology has allowed us to have access to so much of the world. It has also allowed others to have access to us. Maybe too much access. As we struggle to reconnect with good friends and break up with bad friends, we find there are the people in between that may are in your life where you still want to set up limits to create a healthy relationship. These limits are not walls, they are boundaries and we aren’t really taught how to construct them.
The first step in this process is tuning into your feelings. There are not all parts of your life that need to be shared with the public. We want to recognize we all have moments of vulnerability, and like any healthy relationship, we only need to show our vulnerable side of our lives to people we just won’t use that against us but rather emphasize and support ourselves. If we are sharing ourselves and we start to feel uncomfortable or resentment, then we passed the “healthy” boundary. Consider what you are sharing that is making you feel this way. Is it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual? Once we can name the parts of us we are willing to share and what we are not willing to share, we can start building our boundaries.
1. Give yourself permission to set boundaries. You shouldn’t feel drained. You shouldn’t feel like you are being taken advantage of. You shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed about sharing or not sharing. You shouldn’t feel you have to say “yes” to anything, especially to certain people.
2. Take direct action. Chances are people don’t know this could be a boundary…let alone they are crossing it. We approach things differently; we have different ways of communicating. Depending on the boundary you may need to have a direct and clear dialogue of what the boundary you have – maybe you are uncomfortable with hugs and you’re friends with a hugger. Let them know that it makes you uncomfortable. This is low-hanging fruit advice, but the same principles can be applied to needing space away from friends, family, or coworkers during difficult times. But not everything needs a conversation. With social media, a lot of people may have access to your public self that does not need it. You can privatize your profile, certainly, but you can also hide your content or curate who can follow you and who can’t. This way you don’t always have to feel the need to curate your social for everything to be PC Perfect. Reality is not perfect.
3. Start small. If you are new to boundaries, set small ones that won’t create too much internal conflict or stress. As you develop this skill, gradually increase to boundaries more meaningful to preserving yourself.
4. Be assertive. If a boundary is crossed, something needs to be done. You need to stand up for yourself in a respectful way of course. Let the person know what happened was bothersome to you and work on addressing the issue. Just as setting boundaries is a new practice for you, having boundaries to navigate is a new practice is for them. When the boundary is being crossed a reoccurring thing – then give yourself permission to say “no more” and take direct action.
5. Be aware. Boundaries are fluid. What you are comfortable with sharing with one person, you might not be with another. What you are comfortable with sharing one year, you might not be sharing in another year. The idea regarding boundaries is recognizing it is a practice that is part of self-care. This means it is also recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. Boundaries help you put yourself first, so you can be a better student, friend, partner, co-worker, sister…etc.
6. Seek support. If you are still having trouble with setting and keeping boundaries, please feel free to get help from other friends, families, or campus resources. These individuals can help you and hold you accountable for setting boundaries and may even give you extra resources.
We hope these six steps to creating boundaries are helpful to you. It is a skill to practice, and sometimes even the best boundary makers struggle with them.
Your BGF.